Let’s talk about Gilbert and Sullivan. You’ve probably heard the names, but you probably don’t know much about them. This lovely gentleman here, Rowlf from The Muppets, sings a song called “Tit-Willow” or something like that. You can look it up on YouTube. It’s a cool little thing. Anyhow, it’s a song from Gilbert and Sullivan, and so I got curious about that because I liked it. Basically, he’s playing the piano to Sam the Eagle, who’s like, “How dare you do something that is… You are all weirdos.” And it’s a cute little skit.
But I saw that on YouTube and I thought, I don’t know a darn thing about Gilbert and Sullivan. And why am I telling you this? What does this have to do with relationships? Well, Gilbert and Sullivan basically bucked the Victorian era by putting together plays where they made fun, a mockery, of the Victorian system. For example, H.M.S. Pinafore, where the captain is nobility and his daughter wants to marry somebody who is not nobility. And there’s this whole rigmarole, and that’s where that song, “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General,” or whatever that is, that song comes from there [Correction: It’s actually from their performance of Pirates of Penzance].
But what was interesting was, the end of the twist is the captain of the ship actually was mixed up at birth, and he’s actually not nobility, and the guy she wants to marry is. And that’s the kind of stuff that they did. Anyhow, Gilbert and Sullivan were famous. They were well-known. They worked well together. One of them wrote the lyrics, one of them wrote the songs, and together they were off to the races.
Until, in performing at the Savoy Theatre, the Savoy Theatre decided to buy a carpet, and they ended up getting, quote-unquote, “divorced” over a carpet. But not really about a carpet, and that’s how this relates to your relationship. Sometimes we fight about things that are not the thing we’re really fighting about.
In this case, the Savoy, the manager actually of Gilbert and Sullivan, bought a carpet, basically £140. What is that in today’s numbers? $31,000, to recarpet the lobby, and took it out of the proceeds from Gilbert and Sullivan’s performances. And Gilbert, first of all, mistakenly thought it was £500, which would be more like $110,000. He had a cow, and he said, “No way. This is just wear and tear of the Savoy Theatre. Shouldn’t come out of our performance. We’re just performing here. You should be responsible for it.” And if that were the real issue, it would’ve worked.
Now, Sullivan, though, thought the carpet was perfectly acceptable and it’s just a minor expense. And they divided over this, but not because they really cared about the carpet. In the end, they didn’t really care. Gilbert sued Sullivan and ended up dropping the case later. But he was more concerned about the fact that he felt that Sullivan did not trust him, did not back their relationship, did not feel like he had him in his corner.
And they fought over this carpet, which was actually just a symbol of their relationship, and we do this in our relationships anyways. In the Fight Right book, Julie Gottman, I don’t have it here, but Julie Gottman talks in the first chapter about how a couple gets divorced over a dog. But it’s not about the dog. Speaking of dogs.
Now, what happened is they argued, and finally the dog had an accident in the house and they just left it there for weeks, and it smelled, and it calcified. Hang on, there’s number two. And they got divorced over a dog when really, for her, it was about love and companionship and the fact that she wanted to feel that there was something in her life she could give love to and receive love from because her husband traveled a lot. And for him, a dog represented restriction. “We can’t go anywhere.” Obligation.
Because they didn’t know what they were fighting about, they got divorced over a dog. The Gottmans also talk about this as a postscript because they said this was a case early in their careers, before they knew the research, and they’ve often wondered what happened to this couple. And we just don’t know.
The truth is, and my message to you is, don’t get divorced over the carpet. Don’t get divorced over the dog. You need to know: What are we really fighting about? Are we arguing about Christmas trees? Should we have a Christmas tree or not? Or is this really about what the Christmas tree represents?
To me, it represents hearth and family and home, and don’t you dare take it down before April 1st. Or to you, does it represent a fire hazard that the dog piddles on, and responsibility, and a pain in the butt, and it better come down December 26th? Well, if you don’t know what you’re really fighting about, you will get divorced over that Christmas tree.
This is why it’s important to not go on the attack, to be curious, to put on your Larry King suspenders, and to want to understand each other before you try to persuade your point of view. In the Gilbert and Sullivan example, he went to town persuading his point of view, and he was mistaken because he thought the carpet was £500, the $110,000 version, instead of £140, the $30,000 version. Now, both are big expenses in my book, but still.
He was embarrassed. He got off half-cocked without actually checking his facts. When we have these things that we’re upset about, and we fight about the carpet, the dog, the Christmas tree, we don’t get our facts straight, and we go straight for the jugular. And we double down. And if we find out that we’re in error, we double down even further. “Well, I know I got the number wrong, but still, you should’ve not taken the carpet out of our budget.” So we just get more defensive.
Sit down and actually say, “Well, if this is the tip of the iceberg, the carpet, the dog, the Christmas tree, what’s underneath the iceberg? What does this really mean?” And there’s no way you can get curious and learn about that when you’re on the defensive, when you’re on the attack, because when you are elevated, empathy is out the window. There is no way that you can be curious and genuinely hold space.
I tell couples, use the five Mississippi rule. If you ask a question and you feel that you get an answer and you’ve got to respond right away, rather than waiting one Mississippi, two Mississippi, and so forth, let it sink in, and let your partner understand that you’re letting it sink in and giving them a chance to continue to talk.
You’re not trying to understand. You’re trying to persuade, or you’re trying to fix or solve for X. Don’t do that. So, bottom-line takeaway: Don’t argue about the dog.
